Transcript from Virgin 747 flight VS443

Gatwick ATC:VS443, we can see deploy failure on port outer landing gear, do you have confirmation?

Captain Williams: negative ATC, we see no warning symbol and no audio alarm.

Gatwick ATC:VS443, Is FTC set above 300 Lima?

Captain Williams: negative ATC, it is limited to 250 Lima, should we continue to dump Avgas?

Gatwick ATC: confirmed VS443, please enter final approach on two Zulu Kilo, emergency response vehicles at Alpha Romeo four seven.

Captain Williams: ATC, have Boing engineers exhausted solutions to issue?

Gatwick ATC: please hold VS443...conferring...Boing ask have you tried switching it off and then switching it back on again?

Captain Williams: negative...attempting...oh shit!...bluescreen!, BRACE!, BRACE!, BRACE!

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

Brilliant Boris inspired by Google

London Mayor Boris Johnson has set the world of personal transport alight by unveiling a joint development with the team behind the Costa Concordia shipping line. Inspired by Google's foray into the world of the driverless car, Mr Johnson, 50, said he was exploding with boyish pride at his idea finally coming to fruition in today's glut of eco friendly transport schemes. "Ever since I was a boy, a few months ago, I've dreamt of having my own riderless bike and after working closely with the company famous for skipperless cruise-ships, that day has finally arrived!"
"Imagine the possibilities, thousands of bikes weaving skilfully around London, navigating their way automatically to their destinations and back again!"
Richard Osman and Alexander Armstrong , co-hosts of the popular BBC quiz show were quick to invite Boris onto their Christmas special.

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Heb

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

Cause of power failure of comet lander Philae disclosed

The sad demise of the comet landing Rosetta project was today revealed in a transatlantic news conference by team principle Ed Williams. The team had already determined that the lander Philae had failed to land smoothly on the surface of comet 67P and had bounced to a region surrounded by high cliff walls and was very low on remaining power. An attempt to re-align the solar panels to attempt to keep Philae alive was scheduled to take place on the third day but all communication was lost before this could be achieved.
An operations technician Ted Aldrin working in the control center has been sacked after his mobile phone, confiscated and examined by security personnel was found to contain a picture of earth taken from the lander moments before all power ran out. The ten trillion megapixel image was minutely examined and was found to contain an image of the technician and his then girlfriend Cynthia in what Mr Aldrin admitted was his ultimate selfie.

sleep well little Philae

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

Pope to encourage twerking amongst his cardinals

Pope Francis explained in his per-Christmas address that he was sick of the way his cardinals minced up and down the aisle like wafting hovercraft. "It was time, he continued to put a bit of life into you joyless stiffs. From now on anyone who doesn't twerk every time I clap my hands will be on dunny duty for a week" Cardinal Montefiorino was aghast at the suggestion and sent for Cardinal Desfarina the holy practitioner to determine the popes fitness to carry on his duties. As both cardinals approached whilst he was watching the strictly final, Pope Francis stood up and roared with approval at Flacks amazing final dance. With unconfined joy the overjoyed pontiff clapped furiously at the deserved winner.
Cardinal Desfarina, did two double flips, three wide looping pelvic thrusts and four Miley Cyrus's whilst Montefiorino was handed the pink Marigolds, a toothbrush and a pair of speedo goggles.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

All this rushin' around

Much consternation in the schoolyard today as Vlad and Petro are the last two to be picked to play war, a game of invasion of areas of the playground not already occupied or policed by foreign kids with frightening names. Petro approached the dinner monitor for moral support while Vlad continued to prance around the bench pretending he was a bare chested hunter of wild animals whilst secretly being terrified of spiders and hoping he wouldn't run into his arch nemesis, a kid called Ronald who had a big round white face, a red nose and overly long feet.
Earlier in the term Vlad had set fire to Petro's schoolbag and Petro's parents had complained bitterly to the school head. Vlad's parents were surprised and embarrassed at his behaviour and stopped his pocket money until he could learn the lesson. Sadly for Vlad, with only one space left on the teams, Petro was picked instead of him. Vlad was furious and screamed that Petro was no longer his friend and that he was going to scweem and scweem until he was sick...before he burst into tears and sat forlorn on the bench wishing this day had never come.   

Vlad the wailer

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

He doth protest too much, methinks

A wolf has offered to hold a joint inquiry with a shepherd into the disappearance and worrying of local sheep on the Yorkshire moors. Geoffrey Beardsley, shepherd to over three hundred sheep has long suspected wolf Kim Wrongun as being responsible for these callous attacks and has made a number of thinly veiled allegations as to Kim's culpability in these matters: 'that fat, mangy, bastard definitely 'ad my sheep!' said Mr Beardsley. Kim, initially speaking through his agent Hackit and Hackit responded that there were no grounds to accuse him of this heinous crime as he was away on business doing a photo shoot for a supermarket at the time and anyway it was strawberry pavlova on his muzzle when the photos were taken. Kim appealed to Geoffrey to assist him in discovering the true perpetrator of these dastardly deeds before anything hasty was acted upon.
Martha Jones, the spokesheep said that she had lost some sheep and didn't know where to find them and was currently on medication for the worrying which was leaving her unable to sleep especially since her usual method of nodding off  by counting her flock was getting ever more stressful all things considered.
Security analyst Dawn Rodberry said that a number of emails had been intercepted from various members of the wolf pack, swapping recipes for lamb and shepherds pie and that there was a Christmas club which members had been contributing to and required Kim, as pack leader, to 'acquire' twenty sheep to fulfill the orders. This year, seventeen sheep had vanished and a number were on a variety of dips for stress related disorders. One was said to be undertaking regular mint dips but Geoffrey defended this seemingly cruel process by explaining that it was merely an old homeopathic remedy for stupidity and was nothing to do with tenderising.

Geoffrey ruled out any such combined investigation as it was 'bleeding obvious' that this power crazed unhinged dictatorial inbred lunatic was responsible. Kim, furious with rage at the accuracy of Geoffrey's description, threatened an unspecified attack on the shepherd and the entire flock. As a final solution Geoffrey set fire to the broadband exchange and the wolves vanished overnight.

Moral of the story? Always make sure you encrypt sensitive emails.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.