BBC Red Button service ends

The BBC have issued instruction to viewers for coping with the loss of the red button service.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.

UNTER - the future of transport

Tired of waiting on windy, noisy platforms for that tube train stinking of urine, whilst attempting desperately not to catch the eye of the sweaty looking unsavoury character in the seat opposite?
Tired of paying extortionate fares to help support feckless tube driver wages?
Well the long wait is over as we are immensely proud to launch: 'UNTER'

A small team of dedicated perfectionists, from independently trained drivers to world class app writers have been beavering away over two years to bring beleaguered commuters the ultimate transport scheme.
Just open the app on your Apple or Android device, click on your destination and with the UNTER system knowing your location, a train will be with you within twenty* short minutes. Imagine the convenience of a fresh smelling, quiet and people free train direct from doorstep to doorstep!

*based on certified average waiting times

 

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.

Stocks and squares

In a bid to reduce the number of near drenchings this year, the British NSA (National Sponge Association) have launched an awareness campaign to highlight the need for vigilance and responsibility in the use of the sponge. Several high profile cases at village fetes over the last year required changes of clothes and in one case an insurance claim on a dry clean only top. The lack of a British constitution unlike our American cousins (are we really related?) should enshrine the right to keep and bear sponges but the right to have concealed sponges should not be allowed on account of it is often mistaken for incontinence.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.  

Float on

Despite exhaustive efforts by everyone, even Dave the emergency plumber could not force the dirty floater away.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.     

What a clock up!

In a bizarre twist in the Volkswagen car emissions fiasco today, renowned clock watcher Tom Walker of Bury Frozen Foods Ltd, revealed that the main clock at his firm was running half an hour slow but is always correct when he clocks on, meaning that everybody was working for longer than they had to, but still paid hourly. It transpires that German technology giant Uberfecker GMBH were responsible for supplying software for engine management as well as for clocks. Uberfecker GMBH is run by a reclusive ex-hacker named Zorba the Geek. We tried to contact the company at lunchtime today but only got their answerphone message which said they closed at 5pm, try again in January.
In further revelations it has been established the same software, albeit sometimes used to adjust time the other way, is used in Westminster Bars, taxis, brothels, taxis, private members clubs, taxis and home CCTV systems.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.     

Press leak

This week the Septic Bladder Institute issued proceedings against the British media after they likened them to Sepp Blatter the beleaguered president of FIFA. They are seeking compensation for the slanderous comparison of their stinking, puss like, putrefying masses with Mr Blatter.
"It's outrageous" said Professor Pepe Le Dribble, the chairbag of the institute, "that these low life hacks can so easily get away with insulting us disgusting, filthy, infected organs by twinning us with someone like Sepp Blatter, I can't even say his name without some of my cloudy juices leaking from my revolting body, enough is enough, it has to stop!

Professor Le Dribble

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.      

Going ape

In light of the apparent faux pas made by the Takasakiyama Zoo, in southern Japan after it named a newborn macaque monkey after Princess Charlotte, baboon couple Charles and Camilla from Tanzania have launched a formal complaint with the British Embassy in Dar es Salaam. 
"I find it quite extraordinary" said Camilla as Charles picked through the fur on her backside, "that these bloody royalty think it's just fine to name their progeny after normal everyday hardworking baboons like us, it's hugely embarrassing and demeaning. We will seek redress through the courts if necessary to put a stop to this abject humiliation we are suffering"
"found one Cammy, my little pudding!" blurted Charles 

Attr:Nevit Dilmen

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.      

Romper Stomper

North Korea's satellite launch failures put down to a poor diet. Ironically the opening of a McDonalds in Pyongyang has allowed the state to substantially increase it's capability and brought inter-garden ballistic missile development a dangerous step closer.  

 

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Robbery in Hatton's garden, you say?

Police investigating Britain's biggest heist admit they have drawn a blank in searching boxer Ricky Hatton's gardens. They say that there is no sign whatsoever of any safety deposit boxes there.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

It's just plain Wronga

As payday loans firm Wonga report a pre-tax loss of £37.3 Million for 2014, startup firm Wronga have offered to bail them out of the shit at a rate of £1M per week for the next ten years collected every Saturday morning at a very reasonable 20000000% APR.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Peaked too un

Kim latest manly feat, climbing Mt. Paektu, the countries highest mountain, is called into question after a photograph of him smiling, surrounded by adoring soldiers shows an anomaly.

In other news, a man was found floating in a river south of the capital with a paint roller protruding from his nether regions.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

If needs musth

It is sad to report the gruesome demise of one of Zimbabwe's top professional big game hunters in an incident whilst tracking and scouting for clients in the Zambesi Valley.
Ian 'Gibbo' Gibson was charged by a young male elephant in 'musth' who knocked him down, then knelt on him, crushing him to death.
Still, on the upside the herd deservedly now have some shiny white toothpicks, a letter opener and stunning vase.

attr: Muhammad Mahdi Karim

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

  

Soooo easy!

Gonna take on the cryptic one this weekend!

Potty in his hands

Andy Murray and Kim Sears celebrated their marriage today surrounded by friends, family and other stars in a sumptuous effort.
Asked afterwards what they had thought of their wedding Andy said "It was alright", Kim said "It was a f****ng nightmare with the pi***ng rain an all. Can't believe so many c***s came from so far to witness me in a t****ng white dress, what a bunch of f****ng t**ts!

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Mercedes F1 team ponder upgrade for next race

Technical specialists are today discussing an upgrade suggested by Lewis Hamilton following his victory in China this week. The upgrade is thought by Lewis to be of benefit to the team in ensuring that his team-mate Nico Rosberg can maintain the Mercedes teams dominance in the 2015 season.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Benedict Cumberbatch to be cloned?

It has been rumoured that the screen idol is to be cloned in what is described by his agent, Muchness & Morethan, as a necessary step to allow the original a 'bit of time off'.
"It is clear that the demand for his undoubtedly good looks and acting skills is such that without the controversial procedure, his career would be unlikely to fulfill it's maximum capability" said his agent.

To prevent any chances of confusion, each of the clones is to be given a different name which best describes their stereotyped futures and easier for advertising, film and TV agencies to choose the right one.
The first swathe of roles include an aged loser called Benefit Comfortblanket, a childrens character called Bellyflop Cabbagepatch, a failed sports star called Tumblebutt Fumblethrwack, a cheesy guitar legend Mumblestrum Candlewax and a potential leading role for Fifty Shades II named Bendydick Crinklesack.

Bellyflop Cabbagepatch

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Lost your marbles?

The British Museum could lend the Elgin Marbles to Greece it has been announced. Greece, where the marbles originated, cautiously welcomed the offer but Sir David Sheepsley, of the British museum has said they can't have the big sparkly cats eye whopper with glitter in it.

 
Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

He's popped up again

Within hours of the second interment of king Richard III, his body has popped up again in the aisle of a local Costcutter in Luton.
Richard III Society chairman Wilfred Predacast was in shock today as it was confirmed the bones which appeared in the petfood section of the supermarket were indeed those of King Richard III.
To add to the misery for the followers of this controversial ruler, and with the greatest of ironies a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel was seen to make off with the thighbone at great speed.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

It travels in three's

Well what a day, first the BBC news website is given the Laurence Llewelyn Bowen Christmas wonderland treatment, then mild mannered and genial Jeremy Clarkson is asked to 'step away from vehicle' and to top it off auntie Beeb appoints Kristina Kirchner as the new presenter of Top Gear...who's the new DG, Eeyore?

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 
 

Jolie good fun

After having her breasts and ovaries removed, Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie is to have her brain taken out in case it starts making ridiculous decisions.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 
 

Now is the winter...

There is disarray this week as thousands of ordinary dead people emerge from their graves demanding a state funeral on the basis that they were also cold, mean, cruel, child killing despotic liars throughout their lives like King Richard III and should be properly recognised for it.
Dave 'the bastard' Maxwell originally from Luton said "It really pisses me off that I spent my whole life beating my wife and children, mugging old people, living of the sosh, stealing cars, gambling, getting into fights and killing folk, and they put me in a pine box in the municipal cemetery. Meanwhile that mincing twat Richard the turd gets an oak coffin, a cortege, a state funeral with people lining the street throwing flowers and shit!"

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Too remote?

Advertising gurus have signed up the three Top Gear presenters whilst they are 'out of work' in a bid to seize upon the three's huge popularity to promote the successful British TV remote control company.
One For All will see the three jobseekers play Alexandre Dumas famous three musketeers to advertise the bewildering array of couch surfing aids with a condition that buttons '1' and '2' be non functional.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Judge for yourself

There is shock amongst the judiciary this morning as three court judges are removed from office for watching porn via their official internet accounts. Investigators declared that none of the porn was illegal and was heterosexual in nature. Close colleagues of the three expressed their torment at the sackings.
An unnamed spokesperson, Fiona Gotherington-Smythe, a personal assistant to one of the three said "It is wholly wrong that finally we have proof that at least three male judges are normal heterosexuals, and yet the moment this is revealed they get sacked, what the hell is going on!"
As the announcements were being made a small fire broke out in chambers when Judge Marmaduke Fiddy-Kidler inexplicably tried to put his iPad through the shredder.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

When acupuncture goes wrong...

I think he got the point

You can keep your hat on Bernie

Having sat in on Bernie's scriptwriters adjustment bureau meetings and feeling strongly about the way Formula 1 is going I have decided to whistleblow.

Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers! will win the 2015 drivers championship and 

Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers! will win the constructors championship.

There, I said it...  

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.  

 

What's up doc?

There is huge embarrassment at Jaguar today as a disgruntled XF interior designer has his revenge after being made redundant earlier this year.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.  

Scantastic

Prisons in the UK are set to receive sophisticated new drug scanners. The scanners are the latest generation of devices designed to stamp out the misuse of drugs. US prisons have been hugely successful and it's thought UK prisons will benefit similarly. New inmates will no longer need to be strip searched before incarceration which will be a relief to many. They will merely need to walk though an airport style xray scanner and in the event that no drugs are found a friendly team of prison staff are on hand to provide them with whatever class A or B substances they require.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

How is Mr Tumnus Vlad?

Rumours on Vlad's whereabouts and possible illness were scotched today as he was spotted emerging from a Kremlin wardrobe with snow on his shoulders.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Taking back the pavements

The Police service have decided it's time to take a stand against children cycling on paths and pavements. The Stinger tyre deflation devices will be issued to all urban officers. Areas surrounding schools will be especially targeted and some inner city zones will see the use the new Stingazer, a conventional Stinger with a modified Tazer module which will subdue the offending child in the event that the Stinger on it's own may not be enough to suppress the out of control lawless toddlers of today.


Meanwhile the crown prosecution service are looking into the possibility of indicting cyclists with stabilisers because technically this is a four wheeled vehicle and thus counts as a car which carries the death penalty and has no age limitations.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Letters home

In a bid to deflect criticism aimed at the Police in not ensuring that letters given to the three jihadi bound girls got to their parents, the government has brought in measures to ensure critically important letters from school get safely to their destination. A convoy of vehicles which consists of marked and unmarked high performance cars and motorcycle outriders will collect letters from the school and deliver them to parents. A spokesperson from the government explained that the motorcycles carried smoke grenades and rear facing oil ejectors and one of the cars would act as decoy in the event that the convoy was attacked. The letters contained satellite trackers and would need to been signed for on receipt. Ruth Walker, a mother of a year three pupil of St Basil's infant School said she wasn't sure about the service as she received her first letter just as Eastenders started and the whole street was awash with flashing lights and sirens. It was so embarrassing she said as the officer, in full view of the neighbours, presented her with a letter and a nit comb.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

The miles away club

Chaos reigned at Heathrow airport early this morning as new rules concerning flying age of consent came into being. International airlines had agreed to new legislation (The knee-jerk bill) to raise the age of people flying without guardians to fifty in a sweeping attempt to prevent young repressed people from becoming victims of the sex tourism industry.
Clearly government had not thought through the implications of these new laws fully as aircrew had not been explicitly excluded from the law. Health and safety executives effectively shut down the airport as pilots attempted to get their elderly mothers or fathers with wheelchairs and zimmer frames into the cockpit. Some planes had to resort to the pilots having to sit on their mum's knee whilst attempting to taxi and take off. 

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Can ya see what I am yet?

Disgraced entertainer Rolf Harris was today stripped of his CBE after his convictions and recent imprisonment for his odious crimes. The announcement stated: "The Queen has directed that the appointment of Rolf Harris to be a Commander of the Civil Division of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, dated 17 June 2006, shall be cancelled and annulled and that his name shall be erased from the Register of the said Order."
There was better news for Harris as he has been allowed to keep his 'Jim fixed it for me' medal as long as he wears it during community time in the prison.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Argentina's economy boosted

Argentina's president Kristina Kirchner today proudly announced a new banknote featuring the Falkland Islands as a main image. Apart from the obvious typo on the name, the unfortunate serial number (140682), Argentina's financial outlook has been raised from hopeless to basket case. 

The new fifty pesos note is currently valued at £3.70  £3.15  £2.68   £2.20

In other news, sales of wheelbarrows in Argentina have tripled in as many weeks.


Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.

Mclaren to rethink strategy

Formula 1 racing team McLaren are set to dispense with crash testing after Fernando Alonso thumped his car during the pre-season run up. Team principle Ron Dennis explained that new technology was now available to perform crash testing on a multimillion pound computer simulator lent to them by Nintendo. "It's now time to stop our drivers from having to pile into the barriers at these speeds because it costs a lot to hire a helicopter each time.
In a statement read from his hospital bed Fernando said "I'm really disappointed in my crash performance last week, and I'd like to apologise to the fans for making a pig's ear of the whole thing.
I had intended on doing a proper job and providing valuable data for our designers. It's time to stop practice crashing and concentrate on getting the car to do a lap instead"

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.

Liverpool gone...

Less than twenty four hours since it's residents began to react rather badly to the gentle and subtle ribbing by Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson, the city of Liverpool has completely vanished.
Liverpool's mayor, Rick Withington, speaking from his home in Chester said he was shocked and saddened that his beloved city had simply disappeared, but that it was probably for the best.
Despite the suspicion falling on Jeremy Clarkson, police believe it was an inside job owing to the city boundary being propped up by thousands of brick piles.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.

Ho's of Parliament

A new offence of kerb crawling is to be introduced by the legislature for people seen soliciting with their members of parliament or the Lords.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

Dubai skyscaper faces rename

Authorities in Dubai are today are in frantic discussions with developers of the worlds tallest residential skyscaper after the previous record holder, 'The Torch' was severely damaged by fire yesterday.
Umar Lumpar Holdings said that they had received warnings that 'The Toppler' should be renamed to something less foreboding. Among the suggested alternatives proposed by business leaders were: Lucky Strike House, The Swan Vesta Building, Kindling Villas and Tinder Gardens.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

Clever Chelsea fans

Chelsea fans travel tactics hit upon a cunning disguise designed to prevent their identities being revealed by CCTV or mobile phone images.

Football pundits are looking forward to Chelsea next match, an away friendly against Somalia.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

It's official, iPhone's are shit!

Our smalltown everything guru Mark Richards has announced that despite never using an iPhone or having any personal knowledge of the devices that they are shit. Many years of observing the kind of people who have iPhones has led Mark to ascertain that they must be shit because he doesn't have one and they do. He concludes this using his limitless and unquestionably superior opinions and that conversely, Samsung devices are incredible. You can time travel, use them as interstellar space craft, ski on both water and snow using them. You can create sonic booms whilst effecting colour changes on aurora borealis by just staring at the technology, all whilst having conversations with aliens from other planets many thousands of light years from Earth. You clearly can't argue with this kind of functionality can you?

In other news, Samsung announce the closing of their flagship London store citing lack of interest in their products.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

Was it good for you?

A recent police raid on the world famous London Medical Research Centre has uncovered a disturbing item which explains much of the recent health headlines in the press.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

Bronzed off

World expert embarrassed at apparent gaff in attributing bronzes to Michelangelo.
The two bronzes which show naked men riding panthers had been linked with Michelangelo but Alberto Montellini from the Sorbonne Institute had earlier in the week confirmed they were definitely genuine pieces by the world famous artist.  
However, on a school visit to the museum currently exhibiting the bronzes, Juliet Morgan, a year five pupil from Monmouth Primary School, pointed out the manufacturing stamp on the panthers feet indicated that their authenticity needed clarification.
A red faced Mr Montellini gave no statement as he was whisked away in a taxi from Shanghai Hongqiao Airport.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

One simple blood test is all you need

One simple blood test is all you may need to continue enjoying your life.
The procedure can be carried out by anybody with a small pin and is very quick.
Although no formal medical training or knowledge is required, a lobby group cited their concern that unscrupulous operators could pop up a gazebo in the high street and charge for this intrinsically free service. The test itself is explained here in an attempt to prevent rogue practitioners fleecing gullible members of the community. First sterilise a small pin, then make a small shallow prick into the finger and hold the finger up high. If red stuff comes out then crack on...

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

Post office accused of quantative easing

Government ministers this week have accused the now privatized Post Office of quantitative easing (QE). Backbench MP Tristan Huffington said that it was a scandal that the Post Office were carrying out dangerous financial procedures in a time of uncertainty. "It is a greedy and lazy way of generating cash used to fund the lavish activities of their shareholders"
Post Office union boss Mike McLasky said "oh yeah, that's rich coming from those hypocritical wind bags, who print money like there's no tomorrow. When the government owned the Post Office it was called printing stamps! Nothing's changed...bastards!"

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

Unnatural sex document found at Westminster

A secret government file detailing "unnatural" sexual behaviour taking place at Westminster 35 years ago has been unearthed.
The document entitled, 'The Joy of Sex', was discovered in an archive entitled 'unnatural' and was marked 'for destruction'.
A House of Lords spokesman said the work was a disgrace and should have led to prosecution of the author at the very least. "It's simply unacceptable that in today's society that these works of heterosexual activity are allowed to be seen. It could lead to all sorts of chaos, like shutting down single sex boys boarding schools, closing of the dark web, no re-runs of Jim'll Fix It and widespread resignations amongst the ruling classes. We just can't have this!"

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.

A&E failings explained

Jobless people have been singled out by a parliamentary committee as the reason behind the large number of UK hospitals declaring emergency incident procedures in the last few months. It would appear that fractures are the biggest contributor to the overwhelmed departments. 
Casper Wellington-Booth, spokesperson for the committee explained that it was the large falls in the unemployed which recently hit headlines that were clearly to blame.
"why can't these lazy, good for nothing, people just lie on their couches and watch Jeremy Kyle rather than waste valuable resources chasing food and breaking limbs. Maybe we should put all the jobless in Norfolk where it's flat, and pipe in spreadable cheese to prevent these unnecessary casualties" 

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events you are plainly mistaken.