Lost your marbles?

The British Museum could lend the Elgin Marbles to Greece it has been announced. Greece, where the marbles originated, cautiously welcomed the offer but Sir David Sheepsley, of the British museum has said they can't have the big sparkly cats eye whopper with glitter in it.

 
Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

He's popped up again

Within hours of the second interment of king Richard III, his body has popped up again in the aisle of a local Costcutter in Luton.
Richard III Society chairman Wilfred Predacast was in shock today as it was confirmed the bones which appeared in the petfood section of the supermarket were indeed those of King Richard III.
To add to the misery for the followers of this controversial ruler, and with the greatest of ironies a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel was seen to make off with the thighbone at great speed.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

It travels in three's

Well what a day, first the BBC news website is given the Laurence Llewelyn Bowen Christmas wonderland treatment, then mild mannered and genial Jeremy Clarkson is asked to 'step away from vehicle' and to top it off auntie Beeb appoints Kristina Kirchner as the new presenter of Top Gear...who's the new DG, Eeyore?

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 
 

Jolie good fun

After having her breasts and ovaries removed, Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie is to have her brain taken out in case it starts making ridiculous decisions.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 
 

Now is the winter...

There is disarray this week as thousands of ordinary dead people emerge from their graves demanding a state funeral on the basis that they were also cold, mean, cruel, child killing despotic liars throughout their lives like King Richard III and should be properly recognised for it.
Dave 'the bastard' Maxwell originally from Luton said "It really pisses me off that I spent my whole life beating my wife and children, mugging old people, living of the sosh, stealing cars, gambling, getting into fights and killing folk, and they put me in a pine box in the municipal cemetery. Meanwhile that mincing twat Richard the turd gets an oak coffin, a cortege, a state funeral with people lining the street throwing flowers and shit!"

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Too remote?

Advertising gurus have signed up the three Top Gear presenters whilst they are 'out of work' in a bid to seize upon the three's huge popularity to promote the successful British TV remote control company.
One For All will see the three jobseekers play Alexandre Dumas famous three musketeers to advertise the bewildering array of couch surfing aids with a condition that buttons '1' and '2' be non functional.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Judge for yourself

There is shock amongst the judiciary this morning as three court judges are removed from office for watching porn via their official internet accounts. Investigators declared that none of the porn was illegal and was heterosexual in nature. Close colleagues of the three expressed their torment at the sackings.
An unnamed spokesperson, Fiona Gotherington-Smythe, a personal assistant to one of the three said "It is wholly wrong that finally we have proof that at least three male judges are normal heterosexuals, and yet the moment this is revealed they get sacked, what the hell is going on!"
As the announcements were being made a small fire broke out in chambers when Judge Marmaduke Fiddy-Kidler inexplicably tried to put his iPad through the shredder.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

When acupuncture goes wrong...

I think he got the point

You can keep your hat on Bernie

Having sat in on Bernie's scriptwriters adjustment bureau meetings and feeling strongly about the way Formula 1 is going I have decided to whistleblow.

Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers! will win the 2015 drivers championship and 

Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers!Spoilers! will win the constructors championship.

There, I said it...  

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.  

 

What's up doc?

There is huge embarrassment at Jaguar today as a disgruntled XF interior designer has his revenge after being made redundant earlier this year.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.  

Scantastic

Prisons in the UK are set to receive sophisticated new drug scanners. The scanners are the latest generation of devices designed to stamp out the misuse of drugs. US prisons have been hugely successful and it's thought UK prisons will benefit similarly. New inmates will no longer need to be strip searched before incarceration which will be a relief to many. They will merely need to walk though an airport style xray scanner and in the event that no drugs are found a friendly team of prison staff are on hand to provide them with whatever class A or B substances they require.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

How is Mr Tumnus Vlad?

Rumours on Vlad's whereabouts and possible illness were scotched today as he was spotted emerging from a Kremlin wardrobe with snow on his shoulders.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Taking back the pavements

The Police service have decided it's time to take a stand against children cycling on paths and pavements. The Stinger tyre deflation devices will be issued to all urban officers. Areas surrounding schools will be especially targeted and some inner city zones will see the use the new Stingazer, a conventional Stinger with a modified Tazer module which will subdue the offending child in the event that the Stinger on it's own may not be enough to suppress the out of control lawless toddlers of today.


Meanwhile the crown prosecution service are looking into the possibility of indicting cyclists with stabilisers because technically this is a four wheeled vehicle and thus counts as a car which carries the death penalty and has no age limitations.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Letters home

In a bid to deflect criticism aimed at the Police in not ensuring that letters given to the three jihadi bound girls got to their parents, the government has brought in measures to ensure critically important letters from school get safely to their destination. A convoy of vehicles which consists of marked and unmarked high performance cars and motorcycle outriders will collect letters from the school and deliver them to parents. A spokesperson from the government explained that the motorcycles carried smoke grenades and rear facing oil ejectors and one of the cars would act as decoy in the event that the convoy was attacked. The letters contained satellite trackers and would need to been signed for on receipt. Ruth Walker, a mother of a year three pupil of St Basil's infant School said she wasn't sure about the service as she received her first letter just as Eastenders started and the whole street was awash with flashing lights and sirens. It was so embarrassing she said as the officer, in full view of the neighbours, presented her with a letter and a nit comb.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

The miles away club

Chaos reigned at Heathrow airport early this morning as new rules concerning flying age of consent came into being. International airlines had agreed to new legislation (The knee-jerk bill) to raise the age of people flying without guardians to fifty in a sweeping attempt to prevent young repressed people from becoming victims of the sex tourism industry.
Clearly government had not thought through the implications of these new laws fully as aircrew had not been explicitly excluded from the law. Health and safety executives effectively shut down the airport as pilots attempted to get their elderly mothers or fathers with wheelchairs and zimmer frames into the cockpit. Some planes had to resort to the pilots having to sit on their mum's knee whilst attempting to taxi and take off. 

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken. 

Can ya see what I am yet?

Disgraced entertainer Rolf Harris was today stripped of his CBE after his convictions and recent imprisonment for his odious crimes. The announcement stated: "The Queen has directed that the appointment of Rolf Harris to be a Commander of the Civil Division of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, dated 17 June 2006, shall be cancelled and annulled and that his name shall be erased from the Register of the said Order."
There was better news for Harris as he has been allowed to keep his 'Jim fixed it for me' medal as long as he wears it during community time in the prison.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you see any allegory or similarity with actual events, people or places, you are plainly mistaken.